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A lot of loneliness and stress. It doesn't help I overthink and I'm super sensitive and that's something that isn't going to change. School is overwhelming me (summer semester) and I'm just overall lonely right now. Tbh, I wish I didn't care so much about having some sort of SO, but I don't know why I do so much, it kills me. I would rather focus on school (of course) and being good enough to improve at fighting games.
FG's mean the world to me not only because of the eSports aspect, but it's something I've always loved playing as a kid and now. Also, the tournament experience is amazing and I aspire to be in that way if I ever reach that level. I wouldn't trade the experience I get from this from the world. But, it's the frustrations of myself not improving that's making me have less fun. I know what I need to fix, but I haven't outright felt the improvement in myself yet and it's bothering me when I know it shouldn't. I am going to fix them, but it's discouraging if you don't see any improvement.
That, and school has really taken away a lot of the positivity in myself. Freshman year of college was everything I could've asked for. A great group of friends and being hired for a job I never thought I'd fall in love with, until my sophomore year this past year it just made me come crashing down. I was an RA, a resident assistant, something I did express interest in. The experience I got out of it was something I enjoyed so much and something I saw myself doing the next three years of my college experience. I fucked up hard Fall semester, though, and that cost me something that meant the world to me because of my grades. I felt like shit, and because I'm emotional it just destroyed me. Losing something you genuinely love doing is heartbreaking, soul crushing, it makes you want to quit. The following semester I saw little grade improvement, but that's still also because I fucked up again.
I'm seriously going to fix my study habits, but I just feel like shit in general. I'm in a summer semester right now to help boost the GPA, but it's overwhelming how fast the classes go that it's kinda ruined my summer. That, and trying to have free time to practice for improving at fighters is cut so short because I have to keep on studying and get my GPA up. It's so stressful, and I know it's temporary but it's really overwhelming me and affecting my overall happiness as a whole now. I'm not going to drop out after 2 years, no, but everything is just difficult right now and the negativity that I've inflicted on myself isn't going to make me happier about my current state. If I never got the chance I did, I wouldn't be fighting for it back so hard because I enjoyed it, and I never would've came back to my current school because I was going to be homesick and lonely had I not found my friends.
The loneliness in me stems from my low self-esteem and wanting a relationship, female companion or anything of that nature. I just don't know why I care so much, but I desire that type of relationship in my life because it's a good feeling. I see my friends that have great relationships and are great with the opposite sex which always made me wonder "If they can do it, then why can't I?" I have been a little successful, but my first relationship was really bad, it made me sour on having a relationship (and still is) so I've made myself believe that I don't think I'll ever find a good girl for me because of my self-esteem, insecurities and how difficult it is to find a girl who would be okay with my gaming passion. I would care less about this once I see the improvement in my gaming that way I can focus more on winning money for it, but my inner-self desires a companion so bad that it makes me think about it.
It's not that I don't know what to do, it's just that everything that has went on this past sophomore year has just made my overall happiness drop so much. I'm making it through this summer semester, but I'm just not okay with myself right now. Seeing if my GPA is better will make me feel significantly better once I see it if my work pays off after this summer semester is done, but if not, the cycle will continue. I just want that balance back in my life again. It sucks thinking this way, because it ruins your happiness and I have always been someone with passion and overall happiness, but last year and the first half of this year has just really brought out all of this in me and I want to be happy with what I'm doing again.
I don't understand. They do face scans for these action figures and I know good and goddamn well that Catherine Joy might have been serving face but not THIS kind of face. FiX it in the name of the Savior!
Billie is so cute she doesn't deserve to be jobbing They should've had her debut and defeat Charlotte with an upset victory to get her started off on the right path, and then have Dana attack her afterwards leading up to a match between Kay and Brooke next week. -le sigh-